A Sad Trip...

Tomorrow morning I am heading north to Cheboygan with my Aunt Brenda to see my Grandma for probably the last time. Her Hospice care worker told my mom yesterday to tell anyone who wants to see her one last time to make it sooner rather than later.

It's about a 4 1/2 hour trip. We'll spend a couple of hours then head right home as my Aunt has more radiation treatments on Friday. I've been reminiscing the past couple of weeks since we found out there really isn't anything else that can be done for my Grandma. Trying to remember precious times, fun times, loving memories of our times together. I'm having a hard time coming up with any.

I know that might sound mean and cold-hearted, but it really is the truth. My Grandma has never been a typical grandma. She's never been warm and cuddly. She's always been selfish and greedy. My value to her as a grandchild has always been what I could do for her (chores, cleaning, hauling firewood, etc). I never had a value just because I am her grandchild.

I do love her, don't misunderstand, it's just not the same type of love that most people have for their grandmothers. I call her on a regular basis, I visit her on a regular basis, I help her with whatever she needs at the time, I send cards and gifts, but that's about the extent of our relationship. She hasn't ever called just to see how we are doing. She always favored my cousins over me to the point of crushing my feelings time and time again. Most of my childhood she couldn't even remember my name. She'd go through about 4 names before she'd just call me Suzy Q. At first I felt special-when I got older, I realized I didn't matter to her enough for her to call me by the right name.

I am very sure that if I wasn't the one calling all the time, or visiting, or offering help that there wouldn't be a "relationship" of any sort and that makes me sad. I am sad to see a woman at the end of her life who never learned how to love anyone but herself. I am sad to see she never learned how to receive love from anyone. I am sad to know she has never come to know God and what He did for us through Jesus.

I know God is a God of miracles. So my prayer for tomorrow is that I'll have a few minutes with her to share what God's love means to me, and how my life is different because He first loved me. I'm also praying that God would have mercy on her and that He would be willing to break through her hard heart and reveal himself to her, and that she would see Him for who He is.

The other part of this trip is that I get to spend close to 10 hours in the car with my Aunt Brenda. She is going through some health challenges as well right now. She lost a toe to melanoma a little over 5 years ago and just last fall felt a lump in her leg that turned out to be cancer as well. The lump in her leg was removed and since then, she has found a few more lumps throughout her body and most recently 3 spots were found on her brain that she is receiving radiation treatments for.

I will cherish my time with her tomorrow knowing that we may soon lose her too.